personal monologue

this is going to be my longest post.
people might not read it all, and i won't blame them because i am one such person myself.
this is just a personal monologue over all these time and experience.
i've never been able to figure out what makes a person better than another.
i just passed the age of 21 and about to serve the army soon.
ironically, the country is not even mine to defend when the time comes.
i have seen not all kinds but quite a lot of people.
some would really be your friend and stay with you til the end.
some would just appear when they are in times of need but disappears as soon as they got what they wanted.
some would only help when their very own fate is heavily concerned.
and of course some would be the one stupid enough to see the best in everyone, forgiving them again and again, never seeing the endless insatiable hunger people would have on him/her.
i am this very kind if anyone would care to ask.
i choose to give people chance again, believing that one day they would finally realize that everything is not too late.
of course, even after all these while nothing has ever worked.
i have heard comments of people saying 'you're too kind, dharfi'
but i've never really heed those advices.
i choose to take it aside.
all i ever thought was to never do what you don't want people to do unto you.
and it doesn't hurt to be kind.
and it doesn't hurt to help.
and it doesn't hurt til now.
as my days get nearer to army life, i cannot get over how sore it gets to picture the day when i walk across the tekong parade square alone.
of course, i am no longer a selfish boy or brat.
i should not be complaining.
i have to stop thinking for only myself and of course everyone else around me.
i am 21 for anything's sake. i have already qualified for an adult.
that i have to constantly remind myself.
soon i will be 24 and student once more.
i am looking at directing major and screenwriting minor back at school.
then again, i will need to fight my ass off for it again.
that is still a long time to go from now though.
sometimes i keep wondering what would my life have been if i actually got into a polytechnic.
one thing for sure is that i will never have met a lot of people.
i will be either pursuing a degree now or even working.
and of course, i will not be doing filming too.
dad has been asking me a lot of times regarding my interest in film making.
he might have doubts but thanks for being supportive.
that means a lot.
i have gotten so far.
but there is still so much more road to walk on.
i've got works coming up.
one piling on top of another where i constantly accept offers without thinking of the workload.
sometimes i would just take it for the sake pleasing people.
and i am really tired of that now.
so tired i just want to be on my own for a day or two.
but i can't.
this is just the beginning.
more is yet to come.
i know of it.
once in a while i would also wonder why my life is so screwed up.
i worked really hard for O levels.
i got a decent score. i passed 5 subjects.
i brought my maths back to life.
but things just does not go on my way.
i got rejected. i got mocked.
my very own grandfather does not trust me.
i make other choices.
i tried studying business.
but i fucked that up too.
all these were just a waste of time.
then i went on to film.
it was great. everything was fine.
and that was all to it.
i am going to leave school as something i have never wanted to do in the first place.
there will be days where i am going to look back and resent.
why didn't i try harder for this. why didn't i try harder for that.
but i did. i really did.
i swear.
maybe i should not be complaining anymore.
i am a grown up.
suck it up, dharfi.
this won't be the worst.
cheers.